The Poison Tour Diary via Metal Sludge
 July 13, 2001 / 183 reads / No comments yet

"The Bitches Of Eastwick"

Dear Sludge Diary,
Ahh, what an eventful week. I am currently home in L.A. with little more than a week off and realizing that I can't just pick up where I left off with such a constricted time frame. Then again, I probably wouldn't remember where I did leave off anyway. The flight was pretty good as far as flights go. I don't like flying. Getting comfortable enough to sleep at 32,000 feet with a 120 strangers around just doesn't work for me. Even though I got little more than three hours sleep the night before, I was still too hyper to fall into slumber.

Some woman, (I guess it was a woman, C.C. and I still aren't sure, so we'll call her an "It"), was walking about the cabin in the plane, dressed in overwrought Indian jewelry with a very frazzled little dog. "It", claimed to have a husband who owned part of the airline. Whatever, the interesting part was that "It" desperately wanted to do publicity for C.C. and I. Poison has a publicist, but we decided to have a bit of fun with "It" anyway. So, we decided that we would invent an event for "It" to publicize. The result of our efforts are as follows: A ticker tape parade. A parade for no real reason. A parade celebrating mediocrity. We dubbed it "The Tepid Jubilee" (C.C. coined it, actually.) Hell, we'll even have a pageant girl riding in a Cadillac. Not a particularly pretty girl either. Miss plain will be dubbed "Miss Adequate 2001". She'll be little more than O.K. Oh, yeah, and we'll have a float for C.C. It will be C.C. and his glammed out banjo. A "GlamJo", if I may be so bold. The country-glam sounds of C.C. DeVille and his GlamJo! Hell, C.C. may even go nuts and whip out the "Glamdolin"! At that point I'd have to toot on my "Glam-bone". Naw, not in front of people.

I awoke this morning and in my half slumbered thoughts, and I questioned to myself, "What brilliant thing shall I do today?" Then I went back to sleep. When I did finally awake, I began to recount the last week of activities... Jones Beach, New York is getting too much like the L.A. shows. Everyone thinks that they should be backstage. It's a tough union there, so backstage can be a bit testy. "Don't grab a cup for that water, have a union guy get it for you!" Someone working for the venue told me. O.K., so I'm exaggerating, but you get the picture. N.Y. gets every band on the planet come through, so impressing these folks is as hard as me getting that Nobel Peace Prize I'm working towards for doing the Dr. Rockett thing.

The bassplayer for Angel, Randy, was there and gave me an Angel shirt. That was cool. Nice dude. Not the original bass player, but he looks the part and he has a hot girlfriend. No, I wasn't hitting on her! They looked good together, that's all. O.K., so I was checking out her tits and stuff. So would you assholes! If I was a chick writing this and I said that the chick had nice boobs, everyone would be cool with that. But, because I'm a guy, people get all fuckin' jacked about that shit. Actually, no one has said shit because I'm just writing this. But, someone will say shit about it. So, fuck you in advance! I was just saying.

All in all, it was a good show. Between friends, family members and C.C. Banana, the evening was quite a treat.

The Mansfield, Mass show was totally awesome! No bus getting impounded like the last years misadventure with Paul Gargano aboard. I even reconciled my differences with an old flame before the show. I guess I was a total dick to her some years ago. I told her, "Yeah, I was an ass. Go ahead. Go ahead and hit me if it'll make Oya feel better." Well, she did... hard! I didn't think she actually would! Alicia, if you weren't so damn cute I would have hit ya back! She's waaay over thinking I'm cute these days. She wouldn't fuck me these days if my dick was the holy grail.

Yeah, The Bitches Of Eastwick were there in full swing. God, I love those ladies. Mikki, Sandra and of course Alicia from Salem. Blessed be, ladies. People, you don't wanna fuck with them. If you meet them be nice, courteous and be willing to let them use parts of your anatomy for spells. They have been doing it for years.

Some chick kept pinching my ass all night at meet 'n' greet. I think she even pinched Smoothie's ass a few times. She wasn't picky about ass pinching. There was also some chick in a red corset there too. She looked great in it. Real filthy, the way I like it. Some guy was incessant on asking me if it was true that Bret signed some girl's tit and wrote Breast Michaels on it. Who cares if he did? I wondered. For some reason this was important to him. This one chick had a tattoo of an eye with a bird below it and kept showing it to me over and over again. She kept giving me those bedroom eyes, but I was thinking that she must be nuts or somethin' with this tattoo gesture. Later that night, whilst in my bunk, I realized that the bird tattoo was actually a swallow. "I Swallow", was the intended message. Now I got it! It dawned on me a little too fuckin' late don't cha think?

Homdel, N.J. is always a righteous, smokin' gig. (Ya' like that Beatnik lingo?) I dig Jersey, I really do. The place was packed. I don't think I'd wanna move back to the east coast though, but I'm glad that I grew up there and I do like to visit. I like to watch people from California walk the streets of Manhattan for the first time and realize that cars don't stop for them when they cross the street. They get so vexed! God, do I have a warped sense of humour or what? Yeah, I know I do. I'm so vacuous. (Like my new word?)

I wonder weird things sometimes. Stuff like, I wonder who is getting gum un-stuck out of their hair right at this very moment? How many chicks are getting fingered for the first time right now? How many people are puking right now? And how many people are writing a diary right now? I guess Van Halen did kinda cover this area in a song called "Right Now" some time ago. (Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." - Voltaire) I don't think Van Halen is stupid, but I couldn't resist using the quote. However, if you do think Van Halen is stupid, feel free to use the quote. Just don't use it on me! All this talk of stupid brings me to this quote as well. "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" - Will Rogers. Hey, I'm on a roll!

O.K., I've stopped rolling. Speaking of rolling, there is some really bad ecstasy out there right now going around. So, if you are the raver type, watch your ass and the rest will follow. And what's with people doing ecstasy and putting ben gay on their face and shit? Looking for a thrill is getting a bit out of hand, don't ya think?

Helen Garber stopped by the show too. Ya know, the famous artist formally known as Pinky. Liv Tyler's looks suck compared to her. Helen is all the rage these days with her art openings all over N.Y.C. Everyone including me wants her in the worst and best way, but that's like asking for divine intervention when you run out of beer at a frat party. A far too vulgar display of power. I am a mere mortal in her angelic presence. A date with Helen? I'd have a better chance of getting Destiny's Child to blow me in back of Warrant's bus. A guy can dream, can't he?

Speaking of art... I might be doing my own line of sunglasses! Cool, huh? Sunglasses can be art and I think I have something to say with my designs. I love the new Weezer single, "Hashpipe". When I do my line of sunglasses I'll give those guys a few pair. Plus the drummer uses a vintage set of blue, Ludwig Vistalites in the video. Cool. They probably hate Poison, but what band doesn't?

Hey, get this, the guy that does the merchandise for Emily Strange saw my references to her in one of my diaries and sent me some Emily swag. How cool is that? Thanks dude! I guess I should start mentioning Rolex, Mercedes, Rolls Royce, etc. in my diaries too.

Well, that's it for now. What? No stories? Not this time around. My parents have been at the shows. Ask my Pop for stories. He's the one who disappears and hangs out with Enuff 'Z' Nuff. "That Chip sure is a nice guy". He sez to me. "That Italian guy from Warrant that looks like Bella Lagosi, is a nice guy too, but he talks too fuckin' much." He also commented. Alrighty then, I'm gonna go ride my quad and begin to look forward to the Ohio shows next week for the second leg of this tour. I'll again see Sludgette Chantel in Ohio. That will be nice.



"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Frank Lloyd Wright

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